So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
