fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
