...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
