I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
