I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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