My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
