I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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