I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
