I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
