Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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