Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
