I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
