Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
