A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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