you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
