If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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