I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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