and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
