I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
