i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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