I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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