that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
