You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
