i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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