If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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