He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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