Your dad touched me again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
