I can text with my tongue
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
