When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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