Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
