This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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