it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think my fart just growled at me.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
