So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
