I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
