Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
