Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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