the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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