her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
