I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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