Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
