some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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