Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
