i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
