I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
