I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
