sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
