God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
