I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
