i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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