I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
