this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
