I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
