the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
