Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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