My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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